Life is a journey, not a destination

Ok so forgive the cheesiness of the title. I appreciate there is a certain cringe factor associated but when I said it to Andy Rosier a couple of weeks ago it actually resonated quite deep……
For my faithful followers and encouragers of this blog you will know that I haven’t actually posted in over a year now after my initial flourish. For this I must apologise, especially to Caroline Lagden who spent so much time making it so pretty for me. The purpose was for me to keep my nearest and dearest up to date with my move to the North and so far I have failed triumphantly. I kept thinking I would do it when everything was perfect and there was lots to say (to be fair I always have lots to say!) and I could summarise the last few months. As time went on it became a bigger and bigger job as so much was changing and life got so busy it was difficult to find time to sit down and write. Plus the last thing I wanted was for this to become a place for me to seemingly boast about how great I am or things I have done. Since moving to Manchester many extraordinary things have occurred and it’s difficult to know how to explain them in a modest way as none of them have been down to me. Similarly I have hit many lows  (probably a lot more down to me!) and did not want this blog to sound pitiful and a media to attract attention. Recently I realise that if I am waiting for the perfect point in life to bring everyone up to speed then I would have to wait a long time. Due to the fickleness of human emotion (or maybe it’s just me???) the highs and lows never seem to last that long before the next challenge comes along, hence realising that we are all on a journey and we will never arrive at a destination where all is as we would like it. As I turned on my computer this morning to finally write this blog, I of course had to check my newsfeed on Facebook before I could make any attempt of being productive. As I perused the very informative snapshot of everyone else’s lives I saw my friend had wrote this as her status "You don't have to know where you're going, if you know that God is leading you.” Amen, and thank you for leading me to Manchester!

While I have been musing over all this for a while and trying to make plans in my own strength (I find it very difficult not to have the next ‘thing’ to look forward to or work towards) my church were doing a two part series called ‘In the Potter’s hands’.

Jeremiah 18:4
So I went to the potter's house, and sure enough, the potter was there, working away at his wheel. Whenever the pot the potter was working on turned out badly, as sometimes happens when you are working with clay, the potter would simply start over and use the same clay to make another pot.

How awesome is that?! I am not going to attempt a deep theological discussion about it but I encourage you to read it, study it, make time to contemplate it……thank you Lord that whenever I mess up or stray too far you never give up on me!

Ok, so enough serious stuff…..what have I done in the last year??? Now I realise the error of my ways I also realise there is far too much to catch everyone up on. In a nutshell I went back to University, went to Malaysia for 3 weeks, changed house, settled into a brilliant church and joined a fantastic house group, many weekends of visiting people/people visiting me, crazy nights in Canal Street, finally saw Les Mis in London, lovely holiday to Rome with Calli where we studyed all the marvellous ruins and Berlin with Catherine and Sian where we drank lots of fruit beer and explored the street art and embraced the nudity (not personally I hasten to add), have been a bridesmaid twice for Jen and Emma who both looked stunning, several other weddings/celebrations…..to name a few things.

Anyway I will make an effort to keep this a bit more up to date. Thank you for your messages encouraging me to write, I am quite surprised how many people (worldwide!) read my attempt of articulating my life!

I shall leave you with a quote from ‘The Horse and His Boy’ - C. S. Lewis, which I read recently and loved.

"If you are really so humbled as you sounded a minute ago, you must learn to listen to sense, You're not quite the great Horse you had come to think, from living among poor dumb horses. Of course you were braver and clever than them, You could hardly help being that. It doesn't follow that you'll be anyone very special in Narnia. But as long as you know you're nobody special, you'll be a very decent sort of Horse."

Further up and further in

“One time, when I was very little. I climbed a tree and ate these green, sour apples. My stomach swelled and became hard like a drum, it hurt a lot. Mother said that if I’d just waited for the apples to ripen, I wouldn’t have become sick. So now, whenever I really want something, I try to remember what she said about the apples” –  Khalid Hosseini, The Kite Runner

As I completed a quarter century of life it made me think what I really want from life. It hit home recently when I was filling something in and was no longer in the 18-24 age group. I have never been one of those people who get depressed on every birthday because life is passing me by and I'm not making the most of. Quite the contrary, I feel for my age I have done quite a lot and couldn't really ask for more. Well a year of work to go travelling and then have my job to go back to would be nice. Oh yea and the small detail of the finances to conduct such a trip. Anyway I digress. Now I am in the 25-34 bracket I wonder, should I be thinking of settling down, getting a mortgage and all those grown up things your head tells you that you should be doing?

2011 has already provided some classic memories (and ridiculous quotes) and it's only been 8 weeks. The 'Rural Retreat' in Stowlangtoft was brilliant, thank you girls, and my recent jaunt to Malaysia was definitely a trip of a lifetime. Thank you to all the Lim's for making it a truly wonderful and unforgettable experience. Being Chinese New Year one of the traditions involved the married people giving the single people money! In true Malaysian hospitality this extended to Arwen and I - being single has it's advantages! I'm waiting on photos which are on Heather's computer in Kuala Lumpur but will share some soon.

It's been brilliant having some of you guys come visit me, genuinely means a lot, I know I live quite far from you all now :( For those of you booked in to come, I hope you love Manchester as much as I do and those of you who have asked to come, and we have not yet found a mutually convenient date, I hope to post Jen and Ed's Wedding! I know some of you will be frustrated with me as I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself become as busy as I was in Norwich. I guess some habits are hard to break and before you know it all your evenings and weekends are filled with one thing and another. However rest assured that I am all good and enjoying life in a city (never thought I would say that!!) I even get accused of being 'posh' up here! I took some real coffee into work and was told I had been in the south too long and need to get back to my roots. As I struggle with my mongrel dialect and this weird mixture of north and south works itself out, I shall have to endure the torment of talking differently from the locals for a little longer!

I had an interesting conversation at the beginning of the year with a friend who has a small child. She had been trying to teach her son to ride a bike and was terrified to take of the stabilisers and let him learn the art of balance. How strange I thought, that somewhere down the line someone decided that three wheels was one too many, and although one can function perfectly well on three wheels, two would be much better. The phrase "I felt like a third wheel" implies that it is not needed and probably unwanted in certain situations, but is it really such a bad thing? 'Stability' in one form or another is a luxury we all strive for as there is a security found in having some stability in life .Imagine having no fixed abode, no sure way of knowing where your money is going to come from and thus food, clothes etc. Imagine having no structure to your day, ever. The novelty would soon wear of from having nothing to do all day or no one to see. Imagine having no friends, family, anyone to talk to or share life with. I know in my job it is a word banded around frequently and although people may not be living lives we would want for ourselves, for them sometimes the best we can work towards is a small amount of stability, whether this be in terms of practicalities or health. So with this in mind how did we derive that our children have to go through this terrifying (for parents) and exciting (for the child) experience of exploring the world on two wheels? How do we know as a parent that it is time to let loose a part of yourself to endure what is almost certain pain and potential broken bones? Not being a parent myself I have no answer to this question but can only assume like most things in parenthood you just know. The rewards of riding a bicycle and the speed and freedom it offers outweighs the risk of pain and ridicule that is inevitable if you are a teenager riding a tricycle! After a period  of deliberation, and pestering from the child, the time comes to go to the local park or school field, armed with screw driver and camera ready to complete this rite of passage.

For any child with an older sibling this process of loosing their stabilisers and riding a 'grown ups' bike can not come soon enough as they try to prove themselves to their big brother/sister. However, there has to be a period of patience before they endeavour this encounter or they would be set up to fail. No one likes waiting for something they really want (please correct me if you disagree) but normally it is for our own good and in the long run for the best.

“Of all the hardships a person had to face, none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting” - Khaled Hosseini,  A 1000 splendid suns

Glossary update

barms - cobs aka baps/rolls

pots - dishes, as in "I'm going to wash the pots"

tough-ee - sweets, "anyone want a toughee?"

A late night ramble

“All that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about” - Charles Kingsley

During the course of the day three people separately told me I look happy?! As far as I am aware I haven’t done or said anything different so this was greatly appreciated. I have also been accused twice today of stalking by Edward Beckingham and Calli Lagden but I figure that doesn’t count for much, just ironic that they both said it! My beaming happiness could be due to the fact that two wonderful ladies are coming to visit this weekend, both of which I have not seen in a very long time, and all of us have either moved house/job/church, or in Catherine’s case is about to after spending a couple of months in Ghana. If people have noticed my apparent joy I hope they have not picked up on my recently acquired need to speak to inanimate objects. I think I talk to my Sat Nav far too much, mainly to tell it to be quiet, and have little conversations with the automated voice who tells me to “please enter” several times a day when I go into work. I even spontaneously made up a song which I sang to the dog this evening that flowed far to well! Anyway…..

I felt stirred to write this entry despite the desperate need of sleep and the looming chaos that it sure to be my Friday. I have just returned from Connect group (like small group but run for a term on a specific topic) where we all shared things we were thankful to God for and answers to prayer from the last few weeks of meeting together. It is always so encouraging to hear people’s stories of how God has broke through in various aspect of life. I just love the faith and dynamics of this church and am so grateful I can be a part of it. Last night some of the church members got together to make some food hampers for CAP (Christians Against Poverty) to deliver to the clients. This was such a beautiful evening and a brilliant picture of what church should be. I personally felt quite emotional seeing the hampers finished, and taking over most of Peter and Sue’s house, and can not wait to deliver the one currently sat in the boot of my car! For this I am thankful to God, that there are still people (and I am not just referring to Christians as there are loads of fantastic people out there doing amazing things) who seek to help others in anyway they can. I guess in a city there is always going to be the opportunity and need to take our eyes of ourselves and reach out to others.
I am also so so so thankful for my job. I can not believe at 24 I was blessed with the job I was aspiring to aim for one day and so far I am loving it. The days fly by and I find myself wishing I had more time at the end of the day to do more work, because I want to rather than I have to. It’s probably a good job I don’t have keys for the office door yet. Don’t get me wrong its still pretty tough but that’s the type of people I strangely choose to work with. I know there are lots of you who are doing jobs you don’t like and you know what kind of work you want to get into, but have not had the opportunity to do it yet. I too have really struggled the last two years with work. I always find it quite hard to complain about it as it must sound ridiculous to moan about a job you have trained to do. I have always known what area I particularly wanted to work in but needed to build up the experience to do it. Something that is especially difficult to do in tiny little Norwich. To be honest, to do this job I should have had far more experience than I have but in my life desperation has leads me to do some extravagant things - most of which have paid off! Although I am still very much settling in, and its only week four, I surprise myself how much I am loving being in Manchester. It does not feel like I am in a city at all and there is so much going on. The people are wonderfully friendly, work is challenging but rewarding (this is such a gravely misunderstood client group), and church is dynamic and fluid.

It is amazing how being refreshed with a new start and new challenges is giving me a new enthusiasm for life. Maybe this is showing in my general appearance, I’m not sure. Maybe I was going around with a ‘face like a slapped arse’ - forgive the expression but someone said this to me recently and it made me laugh! I suddenly find myself content with my lot and not looking for the next holiday or event to count down to. I still want to travel and would like to live abroad for a spell, but you have got to love the diversity of the British weather and enjoy the seasons. If I am learning anything it would be this - if God has a something in mind for you, it’s going to happen one way or the other. We have a choice about how we get from A to B but one way or the other we will get to where He wants us to be in His time. Way back when one was applying for University I actually got offered a place at Salford university. I now live in Salford and wonder if things would have turned out differently had I not gone to UEA. I love it here, it really is not like its reputation makes out, and wonder if this is where God wanted me to be for a season but gave me the choice to make the decision when I would come? Looking back I wouldn’t have changed anything as it has made me who I am now.

In summary, I am eternally thankful I don’t have to do this alone and I can trust in someone infinitely greater than me to work things out ahead of my clumsy steps!

The presence of absence

So week three is almost over and I still can’t believe it has been less than 21 days that I have been here. Everything is starting to look a little more familiar and I no longer get confused when I hear radio adverts that mention Manchester.

It’s funny how moving has given me the opportunity to evaluate what really matters to me, and realise things I placed such a high value on are completely worthless now. As much as I love and miss Norwich the things I find myself pining for are the people I left behind. I had all these plans in my head around how I can reinvent myself in a new place where no one knows me and I can be anything I want. I think after 6 years in one place you mould yourself into a certain way and that is how people know you and it is difficult to be anything or anyone else. Don’t misunderstood I am what I am (and what I am needs no excuses) but there are habits and routines we all conform to which are difficult to break free from and eventually become so ingrained you adopt them. This is when you become weary and tired trying to please people whose opinions don’t matter or bending over backwards unnecessarily because of the pressure put on you. Anyway after some stern words of advice from Jen Garner, I am under strict instructions not to be anyone’s doormat and to be more assertive. Unfortunately, if anything, I feel more soppy as there is this huge void where you guys who love, shape and grow me are no longer physically in my life. Unless you have been in the same situation this probably all sounds silly, and is difficult to explain, but I have a massively heavy heart due to the absence of the presence of you good Norfolk folk. As with all things, if one is not being true to ones self, it is only a matter of time before that is exposed and the pretences come crashing down. Jane Austin can summarise it perfectly for me, “I am particularly unlucky in meeting with a person so well able to expose my real character, in a part of the world, where I had hoped to pass myself off with some degree of credit”. It may amuse some of you to know that when answering the office phone to a patient, who is not on my caseload therefore never met me, told his care co-ordinator that I sounded like a very educated young lady! Maybe there is hope of passing myself off with some degree of credit?!

Anyway this is only a quick blog for those of you requesting information as I will hopefully see some of you this weekend!! I am SO excited to come and visit and see you all, it feels like it has been ages since I drove away in flood of tears!!

Mancunian vs. manchurian

It is now week two of my mancunian adventure. The word mancunian is not recognised by my word processor and it wants me to put Manchurian, which incidentally is not recognised my the thesaurus, who wants to replace the word with ‘manage on your own/manage without/manage to survive’. How apt I thought to myself and for those of you who know me well, I love to make up words so I am going to adopt this word for the purpose of this blog entry as it is perfect! When I first arrived, which is hard to believe was just 8 days ago, I felt rather desperate and alone in a huge (and I really do mean huge!) city. However I can now get to the basic places I need to go and back without sat nav and can breathe a little easier when driving on the roads, most of which always have three lanes! Although I pat myself on the back and think how great I am in overcoming this small hurdle, I couldn’t have survived this first week without the lovely texts, calls and cards from you lovely people. They have encouraged me to be positive, kept me amused while I wonder the streets lost looking for something I recognised, and kept much laughter in my life. With all your help I am 'managing to survive'.

On a serious note though, there were many stories on induction week of people being held at gunpoint, stabbed with dirty needles and only last Thursday a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) and a student were both stabbed whilst out on a visit. If you ever get an urge to pray for me or I randomly pop into your thoughts please pray for my protection. I stand firm on Psalm 23 but believe prayer is a powerful weapon!

I have to say one of the highlights of the week has to be the engagement of Jen and Ed!! Congratulations to you both. It was really sad not to be there to hug and scream and get excited with you (I'm obviously talking about Jen, don’t think Ed would have appreciated it) but that will come in a couple of weeks when I’m back. For now the phone excitement will have to do! Coming in at a close second is starting work and getting my own desk, drawer unit, computer, mobile and rather professional looking phone on my desk. I feel like I have finally made it now I have a space to call my own. The psychologist on the team is also from Norwich so I think he will appreciate my 'I’d rather be in Norfolk’ mug given to me before I left. Last week also included falling down the stairs and cutting my elbow, spraying my hair with sun lotion instead of heat protection spray, and a trip to see a band called Bora, which a guy from church is in. He spent his childhood in Norwich and grew up in the youth at Kings so I felt a strong urge to support his endeavours. I also visited the Christmas markets twice as they are spectacular! Please excuse the poor picture quality as they are uploaded from my phone and in the bustling crowds it is extremely difficult to stand in one place long enough capture the view. They really are rather splendid.

I have really struggled since arriving knowing what to do with my new found free time. I am starting to embrace it and see it as the luxury it is rather than believing I am wasting my free evenings lounging around not doing anything of any particular consequence. I felt a bit selfish using it for ‘me’ time but find that I can fill it rather quickly with reading, planning, spending time with God, etc. I am in the process of finally signing up for Spanish classes and looking into other community activities I can get involved in. At church yesterday the preach was about spending time with God and how much time we waste on activities of far less importance. The underlying message was no time spent with God is a waste. Sounds simple but defiantly struck a cord (or is it chord?). Instead of moaning about having too much time on my hands, a situation I can’t really ever remember being in, I should see it as a privilege.

If you fancy wasting some time with Jesus check out the preach - http://christcentral.org.uk/Groups/112277/Christ_Central/Media/Media.aspx (as I write this it isn’t uploaded yet but I’m sure it will be very soon).

  .

The majority of this entry was written last night but due to technical difficulties I was unable to upload it. I now know that it was devine intervention. When I returned from a hard days work today, I was greeted with a rather wonderful homemade card for the brilliant Caroline who had sent me another very appropriate instalment of the dinosaur comic. This one was themed around speech and T-Rex always getting his words wrong. How perfect I thought?! Check it out - http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1841

Thank you all SO much for the love, support, encouragement, and laughter you continue to bring to my life as I battle to become a true mancunian rather than Manchurian.

IS-THIS-IT?

Three tiny words but use them together and what a powerful statement! Before I left Norwich I used to think that a lot. Is this it? I would look at my life and what I’ve got and wonder what was wrong with me? Why am I not satisfied with this? I have a job that I trained to do, part of a brilliant church which I can honestly call family, decent salary, lovely house, loads of friends, car and other material assets, but still I harboured unrest and uncertainty. This can’t be it?

This last week since leaving Norwich I have been watching the Lord of the Rings with my family so we could all bask in the wonder of Blue-ray. I know it’s laughable but it has really challenged me as certain lines kept hitting home and making me remember certain things God has promised. There was one particular part in the third film, Return of the King, where Frodo appears ready to give up his quest when Galadriel appears to him and says “ this task was appointed to you, if you do not find a way no one will”. I read somewhere that God has assigned us tasks to do, that only we can do (sorry am unable to remember where I read it but if you want to know I’ll do my best to find it again) and I have a pressing sense of urgency about what mine could be and want to stay alert for opportunities to allow God to use me in new and surprising ways. I know God has promised many things which I am yet to see in my life, but I want to nurture a life of patience and obedience while waiting for them to come to fruition.

In The Two Towers (second LOTR), Theodan, King of Rohan was commanding an army against an attack on Helms Deep which was believed to be impenetrable. ‘Safe’ behind his walls he gloats “Is this it?” right before the one weakness of the fort is blown apart and the city is breached. How arrogant and smug these three words become when used in context. I reproach myself for taking for granted how good I had life in Norwich as I fear a battle is going to commence now God has taken me out of my comfort zone and removed my securities to prepare me for what lies ahead. I pray God blows up the arrogance in me and uses my weakness for his glory - 2 Corinthians 12:10.

Enough of the serious stuff, but I do wish to emphasise that the above is in no way an attempt at some rich theological discussion, but the humble observations of a simple mind. I should however thank Emma Colthup, who I greatly admire, for her assistance in naming the LOTR characters - her knowledge of these three films is incredible!

Onward and upwards

Quite literally as I have now travelled North West and am situated in my new home. I’m sure it would amuse you to know that when going to the supermarket after arrival I got very lost and ended up driving round for an hour as I hadn’t taken my Sat nat. All I had to do was go back to the main road and turn left, go straight for a couple of miles and then I would be there. Lesson learned, don’t leave home unprepared without satellite navigation.

Already I have had incidents of Southern friends not understanding my accent during phone calls and I fear it will get worse. I have decided to do a small glossary for you of words people have struggled with thus far:
Cob = bread roll/bap
Nesh = referring to feeling the cold
Mardy = sulking/having a tantrum
Chuntering = moaning under your breath
Snap = food, predominantly one’s lunch
Spice = sweets/candy
Frock = dress
Lass = girl
Dough = money
I have always wanted to be bi-lingual.
Anyway home provided the usual comforts of home cooking, such as stew and dumplings ( good northern grub) and being called duck and flower by strangers. Thanks to all who have text, emailed or called and incorporated this into our conversations.

A very dear friend said to me recently, “ends are always sad, beginnings are always scary but it’s the middle part that really matters“. As the first two have already proven to be very true I endeavour to make the middle part of this chapter of life matter. I am about to retire to bed and am nervous but excited about what the first day of the rest of my life holds.

Before I do though I have to leave you with a picture of the rather bizarre 'park’ across the road from my new house. I wasn’t sure what to make of it to start with but I’m finding it rather funny!

Home Sweet Home

Firstly I feel I need to say a huge thank you to my wonderful friend Caroline for creating this beautiful blog for me. As yet I do not really no how to use it and not sure what to write so please forgive the written ramblings of my very bizarre mind and the inevitable spelling/grammatical errors that come from growing up in the North! After being bullied for over six years now for being ‘Northern’, when I am actually from the Midlands, I can look back and see it was God’s preparation for me so I would never get too comfortable in the South. 

After an unexpected public display of uncontrollable emotion, I departed Norwich permanently yesterday with my car crammed full (driving vision not impaired though) with the rubbish I have accumulated over the years. Without the help of Calli, Ruth and Sarah it would have literally been impossible as I was unable to pack things sensibly and completely underestimated the volume of my Corsa in comparison to the bags and boxes I need to get in it! Miraculously it fitted and is now safely situated in the conservatory at my mums house until I can bear the idea of sorting it out, probably a job I should have done in Norwich. Upon arriving home there was a pan full of homemade stew on the hob and a cup of Charlie waiting - ahhh it’s good to be home. After a cup of tea at my aunties house this afternoon with all the relatives I feel like I have never been away and can even sing along with the ‘King Carpets’ radio advert which is still exactly the same after all these years!

You often hear people saying ‘Home is where the heart is’ and I really can’t agree more. I call here my home and Norwich has been my home for the last six and a bit years and I’m sure in time Manchester will also become home. It’s hard to imagine Norwich not being a big part of my life when so much of it is still there and most of the people I hold very dear. As my leaving date has been creeping up on me it became increasingly more difficult to pretend it wasn’t happening which all came to a head when in the creative writing session I used to do at work we were exploring emotions and I wrote a “poem” (not really sure what you would call it) about Love. I got thinking about Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116 

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

After some analysis and reflection upon this it really got me thinking about all I would be leaving behind. Shakespeare is saying true love always perseveres despite obstacles that arise and that it remains constant even though people and circumstances change. Love never dies, even when someone tries to destroy it. Rather than being something that comes and goes, love is eternal and unchanging – so much so that Shakespeare compares it to the North Star, which never moves in the sky and guides lost ships home. He even stakes his own reputation on this definition, boldly claiming that if anyone can prove him wrong, he’ll eat his words. That is to say, if this idea of love turns out to be wrong, then he’ll take back everything he wrote and it’ll be as though it never existed. Furthermore, if this specific portrayal of love is somehow proved to be the wrong one, then nobody, as far as the he is concerned, has ever loved at all.

Thanks to the amazing works of Jane Austin (a wonder I share passionately with Anna Caffell) this Sonnet has always been close to my heart but I never really understood it. I have always heard it used in a romantic sense, which I love, but I feel I can confidently say I have and will continue to share this kind of love with many of my friends in Norwich. You guys have supported, loved and softened me through many highs and lows and I can never thank you enough. At this time in my life I find it hard to think I will ever find friends I love, trust, admire, and can be completely myself with anywhere else. I trust that God has great plans for me ‘up North’ and it is exactly where he wants me for now (I still strangely desire to live in Exeter for some reason and am waiting for Matt Kettle to plant a church there as he too once said he would like to live there). For all the friends I leave in Norwich and it’s surroundings please know you can not and will not be replaced and I hope you know how much you mean to me.

"But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life; and thanks to a benevolent arrangements of things, the greater part of life is sunshine." - Thomas Jefferson (given to me by Emma Colthup).